the void

Today was the first Sunday back for me since the summer. The start of our regular routine for church service. September is always a difficult month for me as it is the anniversary of my twin’s death. While I don’t feel the sharp pain the same the reminders are still there. Opening the paper and seeing half page ads for the F-A-I-R is not something I want to be reminded of.

The service was good, thought provoking as usual but when the minister got to the pastoral prayer and said “and we pray for safety at the Fair” it was like a kick in the gut. Then at coffee hour a woman came up to me and said “didn’t you have a sister that came with you, doesn’t she come anymore?”. I told her she died (and yes I can say it outloud) and it will be 8 yrs next week. So strange that she knew us to see us but never wondered where my sister was? After she moved off to talk to someone else it just made so aware of how alone I am at church. Most people are coupled or a grandmother takes her grandkid. I feel like that awkward girl at a dance who stands in the corner hoping for a boy to ask her to dance.

A friend from church told me I’m strong and that I’m slowly learning I am. It takes so much strength to go through life without my best friend. That love lives on forever.