Alone in a Crowd
Sitting here looking in
Chin up, pasting on a grin
feeling that I don’t belong
different drummer, different song
I was once a twin, part of a pair
Didn’t feel this when she was there
One more thing I can’t replace
Seeing her familiar face
I’m a square peg in a round holed world
That doesn’t fit for this lost girl
When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?
Boy this is a difficult question for me right now because I am sitting in a very quiet house alone. Unfortunately it’s too cold to go anywhere and friends are busy. People have all sorts of suggestions “turn on music or the tv for background noise” but I find that too noisy so I just read a book or play games online. This is the first time that I have been by myself for this long a period and it’s different.
I wrote the above poem after going to a bible study that I used to attend and I just felt out of place. I can’t even tell you why, it was just a sense that I had. I used to attend a singles get together at a friend’s house once a month. But I didn’t really feel like I fit in there either because I was single in the sense that I wasn’t married but I had lived my life as a pair. Twins have a very hard time making friends because we grew up with a ready made best friend. We expect to have that same relationship with another person and we can’t.
There is a difference between being alone and lonely. I know I’m alone but I don’t feel like I have to fill up my days with stuff so that I don’t have to remember that I am. I know of a couple people that do that. They don’t want to be alone with their own thoughts. It’s almost as if they think there is something wrong with being alone. Even when Janet was here we could sit outside for an hour just listening to the birds chirp and not say a word because we didn’t need the noise.