Slash and Burn
Since I and a fellow TT had bad experiences yesterday of people that don’t understand I thought I would write about what it’s really like for us.
Please don’t say that you understand because unless you are a twin you can’t possibly. I’m sorry if I offend someone by saying this but the bond of a twin is very strong. For months after she died I could barely look in the mirror because I didn’t want to see her face looking back at me. I grew out my hair for my brother’s wedding 5 yrs ago and in a way it was easier not to look as much like her. I came into the world with a best friend. We did everything together. When she died I had to do things alone. I had to go to the coffee shop alone. One day a couple stranger asked me how come I was sitting alone, don’t you have someone to go with? “I used to but she died”.
We lost what made us special. We will never hear our name linked with theirs again (unless going to twins conference). We carry the fact that we are still twins but the outside world no longer sees that…we are now singletons the same as everyone else except we’re not. We now have to figure out what our identity is. Who we are without them.
I had a minister tell me that life would pass me by if I didn’t get a job, move out and get on with my life. I had a different minister tell me that I was living for 2. Here’s the thing…I can’t live FOR her. I live my life to honour her, to make her proud but I can only live MY life. And I told both of them later that they were wrong. Grief takes as long as it does. I don’t have a paying job but because I didn’t I could take care of my Dad. I got to have that time with him to tell him I loved him. Caring for someone else is hard work but it’s a way to show my love for them.
Don’t tell a twin “your twin would want you to…”. If the role was reversed I know she would be as devastated as me. There are days where I’m not really proud of myself but I know what she would tell me.
Life is hard enough without causing more hurt for anyone who is grieving so THINK before you say anything.
Slash and Burn