I went to visit my Mom this morning and she told me that they have hymn sings every Thursday night at 6:30. She said they sang “In The Garden” and it was all she could do not to cry. It was the song that she chose for my Dad’s funeral because he was an avid gardener. She knows it’s ok to cry but who wants to do it in front of strangers who would have no idea why you are crying? I could tell she is…I don’t even know how to describe it?…emotionally drained. She is in the hospital with not a lot to do today and time to think. Then she gets the reminder of Dad, knowing that Father’s Day is Sun. And there is nothing I can do for her except give her a hug. There is no school for this. I phoned a friend of Mom’s because she is the only one who truly understands from Mom’s perspective because she has lost a spouse, a child and her child is a twin. It helped a bit but honestly I can’t wait until this weekend is over.
I’m thinking of doing a balloon release in the property behind the hospital. I suppose I would have to get permission. And when i told Mom yesterday about the idea she cried. This is the first year that we aren’t together to support one another. There is a feeling of being alone even if Mom was here on my birthday because she isn’t Janet.
Nobody is going to teach me what to do for our birthday now. I can learn through other twinless twins but everyone is different. Some people don’t even celebrate anymore.
There are grief books out there but this life, this journey is a process. It’s work. The hardest work I will ever do.
I am so thankful for my friends who will walk beside me on this journey. You know who you are and I am so blessed to have you in my life.