I got a phone call around lunch time from social worker at hospital that they are going to set up a family meeting on Friday. He went over some stuff with me over the phone. Asked if I feel burnt out and I said yes. It’s not physically tired (although some days it’s that too) it’s the strain of having to look after the house, go to the hospital, answer questions if people phone to ask how she is. The well meaning people who tell me to be assertive when I don’t have any fight left in me.
In the back of my mind I have known that decisions will have to be made. Things need to change so that we can have some sort of normalcy. But whatever decision I make will not be an easy one. It’s not in my nature to be selfish. I have always put my family ahead of myself. Not to the point where I don’t take care of myself too but it’s because I love my family. When my Dad had cancer I took care of him. It was hard but I treasure that time I had to tell him I love him. To know that he was thankful for what i did for him.
Both my parents know what I had to give up for them. But I can still write from home. I still go out for coffee with friends. And while I can talk to friends for support none of my friends have been through this. I’m 41 years old and have lost my sister and best friend, my father and now have to make health decisions for my Mom.
In the movies there is usually a happy ending but life isn’t like that. There’s no sign that says “choose this road”.