Last night I was watching The Voice. There was a young woman on that was told in life that she was odd, that “you can’t do that”. This is why I love this show. It gives hope to people that are told over and over in their lives that they aren’t good enough. That they don’t fit a mold.
I could relate to her because I’ve felt that way in life. That I could never measure up to relatives/society that only believes that a University education is the measure of success. I would rather live my life with compassion for others, a heart that hurts when someone I love dies than a million dollar home and all the money in the world.
Most of the people that audition for the show have very supportive families. People that believe in them. Love is a powerful thing.
Plus all the coaches build the singers up. Even if they don’t choose them for their team they tell them “here is what you can do better on”. You can really tell that all the coaches are friends. It’s so refreshing to watch a show that is inspiring. We all need a little bit more of that in our lives.
Life’s a Candy Store
The day of a six year old
Baking cookies with grandma
Go out to Mother’s restaurant (awesome pizza) for lunch and root beers floats.
If it was winter I would make snow angels and a snowman in the backyard. If it was fall I would jump in the leaves.
I would play jump rope with Janet.
After supper we would probably play monopoly on the floor in the living room and then off to bed.
That sounds pretty good!
Yin to My Yang
This is my favourite picture of me and my twin. For me a soulmate would be someone who knows you better than you know yourself and that was who Janet was. She was someone who I could talk about anything with. Even things I wouldn’t talk to Mom about. She was my best friend and I always had someone to go places with. When we went on the train I always had someone to sit beside. I always had a roommate when we travelled.
She always took care of me when I was sick and I did the same for her. We loved cooking together and were always a step ahead of the other person. I loved going Christmas shopping with her…now I order my stuff online. When we went clothes shopping she was the person who would tell me “no, that doesn’t look good”.
We could give each other a look and know immediately what they were thinking. I miss that. She made me laugh. We had the same zany sense of humour.
It’s why I have such a connection with my cousin’s widow because she lost her soulmate too.
When I go to the twinless twins conference I feel at home because I’m surrounded by people that have the same bond that I have. Being a twin means that bond can never be broken.
Must Not Fail
I think I’m afraid of failing myself.
Right now I know that I need to take care of myself but there are also things that I must do. Estate stuff being one of them. And trusting that I am doing the right thing for Mom.
Last night I got a call from someone from Mom’s church offering condolences. I wasn’t feeling well so didn’t answer the phone. It’s nice that all of these people want to retain that connection but I no longer attend the church but how to politely tell them that I don’t want to have a connection anymore. That it’s too painful to go to a church with so many memories for me. And the people that think I may change my mind…yeah I won’t.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many people have given me “advice”. I’ve lost 3 family members. It’s an enormous loss and it’s going to take me time to adjust to a new life on my own. Please allow me the space to figure it out. It’s also going to take me time to adjust to having a “family” again. To allow my brother into my life again–with boundaries.
I was talking to a woman from Mom’s church a week ago who asked someone how I was doing and they said “oh she’s doing so good”. She told me they don’t see you cry in private. I’m doing ok because I get dressed in the morning, I eat properly and get out of the house. But it takes work…ALOT of work.
Pay It Forward
Growing up I was always taught that if someone did something nice for you then you should reciprocate. But in life I’ve also realized that it’s not always possible. True friends don’t keep a score card they just do it out of the goodness of their heart.
When my Mom died my friend CB got in the car the second I gave her the word. She didn’t want to feel like she was intruding but also didn’t want me to be alone. I can never repay that kindness. Knowing I wasn’t alone. Knowing someone hurt for me. We have gone out for dinner and I usually pay because she does have to pay for gas to come here.
When I went to Vancouver my friend was my tour guide. She was so understanding in knowing when I needed time alone to remember Janet. I bought her flowers at a shop near where she lived but it was a gesture because I can never truly repay her kindness and generosity. For Christmas the card is the gift because she draws a picture of me and Janet but she’ll often put a little something in it. She’s sweet that way.
I have also learned that I have to be kind to myself. As a wise friend once told me “you are beautiful and worth it!”
Out of Reach
When someone we love dies we think of all the things that they will never get to do. Janet and I always planned to go to Vancouver someday so in 2007 I did it in honour of her. I went to a shop called “Death by Chocolate” which is in the Rachel Ray book $40 a day. She got it for me for Christmas one year. I sat in the corner and I cried because she should have been there with me. I crossed off all the major sights off my list and it was a fabulous vacation. Before I went I kind of worried that it wouldn’t live up to my expectations but it did. It helped that I had an awesome friend to share it with!
When we were in our early teens my grandparents went to Hawaii on vacation. Janet has always wanted to go there too. It was really her dream and I’m not sure it’s a place I would go to by myself.
Mom always wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. It’s on my list to tackle now. I always thought we would do it together though.
Time moves on. My Dad never got to a grandfather. I remember when my friend brought over her son who was about 4 and a half months old Dad held him in his lap. I had never seen Dad hold a baby before (well other than pictures of us). Janet would have made an awesome Auntie. But I know they are watching down on Sienna and the future little one.
A Storybook Day
Yesterday I went downtown to run some errands. I took Mom’s health card back (because it’s photo ID) and a book bag back to the library. She was on the visiting library system because she was shut in. I got my library card updated too–only 3 months late. I don’t drive so I don’t have ID on me but she saw in my wallet I have a blue health card which has my address on it. YAY one less thing off the list. I went to the little coffee shop in the library and had a hazelnut coffee which is my favourite. There was a guy who was getting his coffee that was telling me when someone asked him yesterday how he was he said “expensive”. I laughed. I sat with my Ipad and just listened to the conversations around me. It felt like Janet was with me. I know she’s always with me but sometimes I can feel her more closely than other times. I miss having someone to go for coffee with. I have friends but it’s not the same.
Last night was the first night of “The Voice”. Mom and I love the interaction between Blake and Adam. They make us laugh so hard. Although when Blake tells Pharell “that’s bull crap” it’s pretty funny too. It’s just not the same watching by myself. There is no one there to laugh with me. I posted on fb and some of my friends are going to check it out so they can comment with me. It’s sweet. People understand that connection.
The BlueJays are playing awesome baseball and it looks like they will be going into the playoffs. Mom should be here to talk to Rob and my Uncle about it. They would have loved that. But I know Dad and Mom are up in heaven following along.
Do you know what I also miss? 3 people who had my back.
<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/home-turf/”>Home Turf</a>
This is a tough question because what really makes a house a home are the people in it and right now I’m alone. But I suppose an apartment is still a home if you live in it by yourself.
There are so many memories in my home. Playing in the snow…making snow angels with Janet, building snowmen with all three of us. Sledding down the hill. Rob trying to open the mustard bottle and thinking stomping on it was a good idea…it wasn’t. But it sure was funny! Painting with Dad. Wallpapering which brings new meaning to family togetherness. Trimming the tree while Mom sat at the table writing Christmas cards. The first time we met Robs wife.
what things make my house a home? Pictures on the wall. Flowers on the table. I don’t always do it but it does make it look nice. My bedroom is painted a bright yellow and it makes me happy. Books definitely! I like a house to look “lived in”. Not messy but like it’s well loved. Things that show who the person is. In my bedroom I have the sketch that my friend did of me and Janet holding Sienna. It means so much. When I move I’m thinking of doing a wall of them because they are all black and white.
The little quirks of a house make it a home. The squeaky floors, the door that sticks, the junk drawer or the cAbinet door that is open a crack.
i love my home but it’s time for a fresh start.
Take Me to the Moon
How far would you go for someone you love? How far would you want someone else to go for you?
How far would I go for someone I love? I would do anything. When Janet died we didn’t talk about her as a family anymore. Mom and I would but the men didn’t. This blog is a way of honouring her. To show that she was more than just the day of her death. Janet was and still is my best friend. We would do anything for each other. That was true unconditional love. I live my life honouring her.
When my Dad had cancer his wish was to die at home. Eventually we realized we just couldn’t look after him at home anymore. But I gave him that time at home. I would pick flowers and put them on his bedside table. I cleaned up after him when he was sick. One day his legs gave out and I had to lower him to the carpet so he wouldn’t hurt himself. I pureed his food. I held his hand after he decided that he had to go back to hospital. I told him that I loved him.
I fought for both my parents. I was their advocate in the health care system/maze. I helped Mom get dressed in the morning. Picked up her pills from the drugstore, went to the bank, got groceried delivered and cooked them.
In both of these instances it was hard. And there were times when I was mad at what I had to deal with alone. Yes, I was mad at them. It wasn’t so much mad at them as I was mad at the situation. But that’s love too. Love hurts sometimes.
Love also means protecting myself. It means putting up a wall with people that I know are going to hurt me.
Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who loves me for me. My friends tell me how amazing I am, how proud they are. My cousin’s wife always ends the conversation telling me she loves me. That’s true Christian love.
Mountaintops and Valleys
Describe a time when you quickly switched from feeling at the top of the world to sinking all the way down (or vice versa). Did you learn anything about yourself in the process?
I think the answer to this question would be everday lately.
Yesterday my brother and I went to the bank to get the ball rolling on the estate. Mom left me a little more because I was taking care of her and the house. Needless to say my brother is not happy with this. We are sitting in the driveway “discussing” it. I had to tell him that I’m not going to fight over money with you.
Yesterday it was 2 weeks since Mom died. To me it’s dishonouring her memory. Unfortunately all he can focus on right now is the hurt he feels over being estranged from Mom. He feels the money issue is her way of punishing him. But he will never see that even someone as selfless as Mom will not watch her children fight. Will protect herself.
This money is going to give me the chance to have a life of my own. Here’s the thing…don’t I deserve to have a nice life too? Don’t I deserve to travel, to treat myself to a nice dinner etc. Why is that only reserved for him? Because to my way of thinking he has EVERYTHING. He has well paying job, a 4 bedroom house in Toronto, a Nanny, a beautiful wife, the sweetest little girl and another baby on the way. In my eyes his life is pretty well perfect. His life didn’t change when Janet died, Dad died. I know he hurts now but you know what IT SHOULD HURT!! Because losing someone close to us hurts.
The thing that makes me really mad about this whole thing is he reduced his mother down to money. He reduced Janet down to how she died. They are more than that. They loved me unconditionally and I loved them. I miss them so much but at least I have the memories to hold on to.