Inside the Bubble
Yesterday my Mom ended up in the hospital again. It brings about a lot of emotions for me. The first one being relief. Being a full time caregiver 24/7 is exhausting both mentally and physically. I got home from the hospital and it was so quiet. For the first time since she was discharged in August I can hear myself think. I no longer have to be here to let people in to the house or have 3 phone calls a day from home care people. Phone calls from friends asking how she is. It also means that the decision of her going into a nursing home has now been taken out of my hands because she requires more care than I can give her.
I can now go to writing class. I can go out for lunch afterwards. I will have time to do the homework. I have time to write my blog. For the first time in almost 9 years I’m responsible for ME! BUT there is still a lot of stuff to look after too. Down the road I’m going to have to sell the house and find a place to live. And if this is going to be my “forever home” I need to find a place that I like. I would like to stay in the same neighbourhood and need to be close to a bus route.
Yesterday 2 people told me you deserve it. I have a hard time with that word. I remember at bereavement group saying to the facilitator that I never know what it means. I deserve it because I’m a good person or I deserve it because life has given me a lot of lemons. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
After Janet died I can’t say that I’ve been “happy”. I live with that emptiness, a hole that can never be filled. Blogging is something that I enjoy, something that I have found I’m good at.
Some days I’m amazed that I can even string two sentences together to make sense but I try to write everyday when I can and I have accomplished that.