FORGIVENESS IS HARD

Handwritten
When was the last time I wrote something? I had to write something in thank you card for minister for honorarium (for his services). My hand was shaking so bad that it’s a wonder he could even read what it says.
On Sunday we said our goodbyes to Mom. Made harder by the fact that I hadn’t seen my brother so almost 2 yrs (since Thanksgiving which is middle of Oct). About a year and a half ago we had a falling out because Mom and I were tired of being taken for granted. As you have read Mom is a very selfless, loving person so you can tell how far she had to get in order to get to this decision.
My brother and his wife came in and gave me a hug. I didn’t know what to do and kind of played it by ear. I’ve been on this journey alone for a long time. Making decisions on my own, looking after the house, supporting OUR mother.
Last night aroudn 4:30pm my brother phoned. After asking how I was and talking about the next steps he then said “I don’t want to fight with you but we need to talk” never a good way to start a conversation with him!! I won’t go into detail here but we talked very openly for the first time since Janet died. They got married 5 weeks after my Dad died. I was still grieving for Janet and so raw from both their deaths and to me it was like he was going on to live a perfect life and leaving us behind. I wanted to be happy for them but emotionally I just couldn’t.
When my niece was born there was joy in our lives for the first time since Dad died. But we never saw her. Even when we weren’t estranged. No pictures either. They gave the excuse they were too busy. And now it’s too late for Mom. And he knows it.
I don’t know how you live with that type of regret because I don’t have to. This is where my brother and I differ tremendously. I have chosen to walk the path, painful as it may be. We can’t avoid it anymore. We are the only 2 left from a family of 5. And it sucks. No one should have this much loss by the time they are 40.
I don’t know where we go from here. I know we can’t go back. I have to let go of the “you should have done this”, why didn’t you help me etc, etc.
My brother sent me a picture of my niece’s first day of preschool. She’s grinning just like her Auntie Janet.
Maybe there is hope after all.

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