Being Alone

Phobia, Shmobia
Fears evolve over time. What is one fear you’ve conquered?
When my Mom went back into hospital in July for the 3rd time I honestly didn’t think she was going to make it. I sat beside her bed willing her to fight because I wasn’t ready to be alone. I was really scared and worried how I was going to manage on my own. After talking to my financial adviser and my cousin I realized that I would be ok. I didn’t mean I was emotionally ready to be alone though.
My brother has emailed some since Mom died. It’s good that he’s trying. He invited me to go to Toronto for Thanksgiving. If it was just the 3 of them plus me it would be ok but her parents are going to be there and she has a brother (who is married with a little one too). I’m just not ready for that. To be surrounded by a family. But I don’t know how to tell him that.
I live in a 4 bedroom house alone. I will probably move in the spring. It’s a lot of work to put a house on the market and I just don’t have the energy right now.
I have a lot of friends that are supporting me which I’m so thankful for. I have to tell myself that I’m NOT alone.
Yesterday Mom’s Occupational Therapist came and took her walker and bedrail. When she left she said “you’re no longer a caregiver. You can have your own life”. It’s a hard thing to process. That has been my title for a long time. When my Dad died I tried to help my brother but this time I realize that I have to focus on myself. I am excited to go on to a new chapter in my life. I won’t have to cut grass anymore, lug the garbage out, shovel snow. I will have a space for my writing. Time to join groups at church.
I’m not alone because I carry them with me in my heart.

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