A little of both

The Great Pretender
A friend of mine from public school wrote this as a condolence for my Mom. “I never had the chance to know you but what I do know about you is that you raised two remarkably strong women. I imagine they received some of this amazing strength from you. I know that you and Janet will continue to guide and watch over my dear friend Jennifer. She is one of the strongest people I know, but as we know, even the strongest of oaks needs the support of the sun and the rain. Thank you for being a kind and loving mother for my two beautiful friends. Thank you for being the remarkable woman that could inspire such courage, strength, and most of all, kindness.”
Of course I cried but there are moments when I know I’m not as strong as people think I am. Although at the same time when I think of everything I have been through since my twin died 9 years ago I know that only a strong person could possibly have gotten through all of that. I looked after my Dad at home while keeping the house clean, cooking two meals (because his had to be pureed) and supporting my Mom. I looked after my Mom entirely on my own.
I’m not a confident person. It really wasn’t until the past couple of years when I started finding my passion in writing that I have found more confidence. Growing up my parents never told me they were proud of me. My parents were humble people and it just wasn’t in their nature but at the same time we live in a world that focuses on power, wealth, prestige.
So to the second part of this question. Yes, I’m a pretender. I pretend everyday that I’m fine. I was talking to a family friend of Mom’s on Saturday and she asked if I had been back to church and I lied and said yes. She’s very religous and doesn’t understand why I wouldn’t go to church. Because it’s the one place where I don’t want to have to pretend. I’m not ready to sing Christmas carols and see decorations. Whenever I go at Christmas I imagine Janet singing beside me and sometimes I can actually hear her. She’s singing with the angels now.


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