Trust needs to be earned

I Can’t Stay Mad at You
Do I hold a grudge? If I had to go by the definition “a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury” then I would have to say yes. I feel ill will towards family members based on things in the past. I resent the fact that I had to look after our parents alone. I got to the point in my life where I had let some of it go and my Mother’s death brought a lot of it back for me. I have written here before about this topic that forgiveness works both ways.
I used to be more trusting but I also think that because of the things that have happened in my life I am a lot more wary which has helped me. It means that I am on my guard, that I ask questions.
Yesterday I met with our lawyer who also happens to be our cousin. She did ask if my brother and I were working together ok and I said no. I didn’t go into specifics because it’s between me and my brother but I did figure out that she could tell a little bit on her own. Janet and I were good observers of people and that has certainly helped me too.
I have forgiven people in my life. I had to phone Mom’s brother in order to tell him she was in the hospital. I forgave him for what he did to my grandparents and Mom. He gave me information about Mom’s illness as a child that really helped me a lot. But even Mom said that she never fully trusted him again.
I forgave a friend who wrote something that hurt me after I posted a piece of writing on fb. I came to the realization that I needed their friendship more than I needed them to understand what my writing meant to me. Some people just don’t get it and that’s ok.
I know that I have friends praying that I can have a family again but I truly know that their are people that shouldn’t be in my life. That my values don’t line up with people who care more about money than they do about someone else. When I signed the papers yesterday my occupation was listed as caregiver not “unemployed” which is what my brother wrote down. Because he never saw it as a job. Because I didn’t get “paid”. Oh not in money…I was rewarded in seeing their vulnerability, their love for me. The fact that they were proud of me. Learning how to do things on my own.
That is priceless.

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