Questioning

Un/Faithful
Tell us about the role that faith plays in your life — or doesn’t.
Growing up we went to church every Sunday. My Dad went with us although I don’t really remember a time when he did because I was probably about 5 or 6 when he stopped going with us. When we got a little older we sat with our grandparents. My grandfather helped a lot in the church where my Mom grew up. He was an Elder, helped on the board, I think he was on the property committee. My Mom was in UCW and helped with funeral lunches and such.
When I was younger I never really thought about my faith. I just thought of Sunday School as an extension of schooling. I guess you could say I thought of it as a duty. When we got confirmed and became members of the church it was a big deal. Although I remember thinking that we would be seen more as adults but it didn’t really happen.
When my Mom had to have a kidney transplant it was the first time I really prayed for something every night. That I believed that God would make it so Mom was better. I never doubted that Mom would get a kidney. Oh I knew people died on the waiting list but I was young enough still to believe that God could do anything.
As I got older I saw the church as an institution rather than a place where people worshiped. There were things that they couldn’t do because there wasn’t money. I just believed that you payed people for what they are worth and people shouldn’t have to leave a church because they aren’t being payed enough. It made me and my sister very cynical.
When Janet died I remember wanting answers. I wanted to know why this would happen. If God was so big why couldn’t he have saved her? Why did Dad’s cancer come back. I prayed and my church prayed, Mom’s church and he still died. Other people got miracles but not us. Mom died about a year after she was told that her kidney was wearing out. I haven’t really been to church much since.
My Mom’s “friend” asked me about a month ago if I had gone back to church so I lied and said yes. She’s a bible thumper and told me you SHOULD go to church. She realized she had to backpedal because nobody should tell someone what to do. She told me it would help. Well it doesn’t. All I feel is numb. All I can see right now is everything that has been taken away.
My faith is still there…right now it’s a tiny flame in a very dark room.

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