After Janet died I read a lot of grief books. I gravitated towards non-fiction, books about someone else’s journey. For my 35th birthday a friend bought me a gift card to chapters. So many books to choose from but I chose Eat,Pray,Love. At one point in the book she and her friends are talking about words that describe a city and then ask what word they would use for themselves. At the time I was reading it I knew my word would be LOST. I wanted someone to tell me this is the way you should go but nobody could. It’s why a lot of my poems talk about walking along the path.
I’ve always believed that people come into our lives when we need them. When I finally got internet at home I could go on the Twinless twins chat room. I was able to talk about things that only they would understand. They could talk about how relationships with our siblings change after our twins die. It gave me hope talking to twins that had gotten through it. There was comfort in the fact that I was normal. That the pain will never really go away but it will lessen in time.
My Aunt asked me last night if I miss the House and I can honestly say I dont. She said that’s such a healthy attitude. It was my parents House. This is my place. The first thing in my life that is mine.
For a long time it didn’t feel like I was moving forward. I felt like I was always waiting. Now I can see the road ahead of me.