What is the one thing that is impossible to stop or prevent? Change.
After each loss in my life I have changed. When Janet died I fought it because I wanted to remain the person that she knew but that was impossible because I could only be that person with her. I don’t laugh as easily anymore. I’m not as trusting. There are times when I’m not confident making decisions because she helped me.
I’ve become more guarded. Most of the time when I go out somewhere I will pass my supers in the hall and will be asked where I am going. That still takes some getting used to. But at the same time it’s a lovely community atmosphere.
Going to the bank is probably the biggest change. Because I still remember starting an account for the first time with a couple hundred dollars when I was a teenager. I grew up with an allowance. We got some little things for Christmas and perhaps one big thing like a CD player or a new outfit for church. I haven’t changed but their reaction to me certainly has. There is a sense of power that comes from money. But I also realize that when in Rome I have to act the part.
Time is unstoppable. In a little over a month it will September the month I dread. Made harder because it will be one year for Mom and ten years since my twin died. How is that possible? A couple new twins that I met told me I gave them hope. I dont have the answers. September will always hurt. There have been years where it physically hurts like a kick in the stomach. That’s something nobody tells you that some days grief is unstoppable. The memories come flooding back or there is a trigger and all I want to do is punch something.