Anniversary

Yesterday it was one year since my Mom died. I put a memorial in the paper a poem that I wrote for homework. The teacher gave us the theme of roses and all I could think of were putting red roses on the grave for my parents when they died. My former neighbour phoned around dinner time last night and she said I write beautifully. She saw a woman at church that asked about me. She told me that many people are thinking about me and not to forget that. A friend of mine said it must have been difficult to write. It’s pretty raw but that’s what grief is…raw.
While I tried to “keep busy” (which is a term I don’t really like) it was always there. I decided to watch a movie last night since the evenings are long and I couldn’t decided what to watch. Last weekend I picked My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2. Such a cute movie. I chose Me Before You. I had seen the trailer so I knew what it was about but was surprised by the ending and of course was crying. I could see that I picked this movie for a reason because she takes the job to have money to support her family, her father. Then at the end she is given choices, opportunities because of taking care of the man in the wheelchair. She starts a new life…which is me.
September is going to be a painful month for me. Mom and I would often call things that were emotionally hard…brutal…and this will be. My brother told me last year it would be easier if people forgot when the date was that Janet died but that isn’t possible. It will be 10 years this year. I have planned a celebration of life reception at a hotel. I created a Facebook page and I didn’t know what to put in the line to say what it was. I wanted to spend part of the day with people who miss Janet too. Who knew the person I knew. I met my friend CB in college so she had seen Janet but didn’t know her but she says she knows her through me. She is an only child so hasn’t experienced my loss but she has so much compassion that I know she feels for me.
A couple of years ago I had gotten to the point where it wasn’t like a kick in the gut every time September rolled around but having 2 so close together means it is like starting over again.
I have accomplished so much in a year. My friend said I’ve had to endure a lot. While I am proud of everything that I have done on my own and the strong woman I have become there will always be a hole…3 empty spaces. My heart is broken, scarred.

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