Today’s word is progress and I chose to title my blog post grief because sometimes it feels like I’m not making any progress in grief.
Wednesday night I got an email from a friend of mine that she went to a training exercise at a local college put on by paramedics. One of the exercises used was based on what happened to Janet and she met the paramedic that responded that day. As I read her email I was sobbing because it took me right back to that day. It’s so hard because to many people that is all she will ever be is the person who had a tragic accident at the fair.
The thing about grief is that it doesn’t matter that it’s 13 1/2 years after the fact there are days where the pain is going to be as intense as when it just happened. I know in my heart that Janet was more than that day but it will never escape me. My brother once told me it would be easier if people forgot the day and yet that isn’t possible. Some days going into the hospital is a trigger. Going past the place where it happened is hard even if I’m in a car or on the bus. I have to actually turn away. A twinless twin once told me that maybe it would help if I went and I thought no it won’t.
I have been told by a counsellor and a minister that I was stuck and it made me angry at them. There was a time after my Dad died that I was angry at the world. To people that don’t understand the twin bond they will never get that trying to find an entirely new identity is hard work. Many people will never see the progress that I make because they will only see the person I was before. I have to learn how to honour that bond while still going on living alone.
This is my favourite picture of my twin. I post it whenever I need reminded of the love that we had…still have. Early this morning I got an email from my grocery guy that he is able to pick up a couple of custom framed items that I took in a couple of weeks ago. I sat there thinking that is my twin at work since she knew that I needed them. Writing that is progress because there would have been a time when I would have been embarrassed to say that. It’s ok to say that she is still with me. That she lives on in me.