Guilty

Guilty
Ok, I must confess that I am guilty of not putting cards back into my wallet. This morning I was staring right at my debit card that I had to take out in order to pay for groceries and I forgot to put it back into my purse. I thought it’s ok I’m just going to the Farmers market and I can only pay cash. But I decided to get a couple of things inside. Thankfully I had just enough cash on me.
It also makes me feel guilty because I was raised with a father that always carried a certain amount of money in his wallet whether he was going anywhere or not. When he got down to a certain number he would go to the bank or I supposed Mom would got to the bank for him. I should say my Mom was one who would go in so she could have change to pay for coffee or smaller items. I rarely have less than a $20. My change was used to pay for my scone this morning. I always keep my change for Farmers Market purchases. I can remember going to Canada Trust and standing in line. They knew us. It changed after Mom died. The bank that I used was helpful but it wasn’t for my interests it was for theirs. So I use a bank machine in order to avoid interaction with them.
My friend goes to an attendant at a parking garage. I wouldn’t use self checkout at a grocery store. It takes away a job from a human being. I use a grocery delivery service. I will give a bonus at Christmas or the week I had them pick me up a microwave. If they are doing a little extra I’ll pay for that.
Of course that gets into going out to dinner and fighting over the bill. Or even worse we all know people that don’t tip.
But that’s for another post!

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Twisted photo challenge

Twisted

Banyan Tree taken in Grenada. From Wikipedia…A banyan, also spelled “banian”, is a fig that begins its life as an epiphyte, i. e. a plant that grows on another plant, when its seed germinates in a crack or crevice of a host tree or edifice.
When I was walking through the garden I thought of Dad and how he would have been fascinated by all the different plants and trees. This was my favourite place when we went on the cruise.

Clothes shopping (and my 999th post)

Assumption
I have been trying to find light weight pants for spring/summer. Most of the time I wear capris but pants are required when the a/c might be turned up too high in a building. I found a pair online and put in my order and then after it said it had shipped they no longer had them in stock. Really frustrating especially since they were on sale.
One would “assume” that sizing is universal across the board but that isn’t the case. I recently bought a couple of t-shirts and they fit bigger than I thought. I used to be able to order pants online at one store but the fit isn’t the same. I also assumed that when I lost weight it would be easier to find pants that fit.
I don’t like clothes shopping anymore. Even when I went with Mom I would go with an idea of what I wanted and I would get in and get out. Don’t get me wrong I love nice clothes but the actual process is hit and miss anymore.
I can remember going to Westmount mall with Mom. She would go to Zellers and you could pretty well get everything that you needed there. Janet and I shopped at Cotton Ginny. Both have been out of business for many years.
We shop differently now. Many stores that used to be in the mall moved to a big box store, which means you have to drive there. The closest mall to me now is sort of a seniors centre but it has all of the things I need…a grocery store, Shoppers Drug Mart, Carleton cards, a dollar store, a library and a few clothing stores. I used to think it was small but now i realize it’s just right.

Awkward

Awkward
I think we all find ourselves in awkward situations once in a while. The time when we go to the grocery store and have to put something back because we don’t have enough money. Trying to hide a big purchase from a spouse or in my case a friend. The little white lie that gets us out of going to something we don’t want to.
Living my life as a twin there were times when we would be uncomfortable asking if we were twins. To us and most of the people around us it was obvious. When we were about 12 or 13 we stopped dressing alike. Our grade 8 grad dresses were similar enough that we looked a like but grandma added our own style to them.
After Janet died things that used to be comfortable now became awkward…family dinners being the biggest. People treated me differently, some avoided me like the plague and others just didn’t know what to say. After my Dad died I was relieved that I had an out now.
I have also learned that there were people that would always see me as a kid and would never see me as the strong, independent person that I have become. At the church I grew up in I would always be Mom’s daughter. I stopped going to church in September because it became the elephant in the room. We all knew what the day represented but everyone tip toed around it. People thought I should be over it by now not realizing that it’s a reminder every year. Grief is awkward. We reach out to someone and they turn away. The people that should support us end up running away.
I have had friends in my life where we talk about everything and then suddenly there comes a moment when something changes and it becomes awkward. Suddenly isn’t the right word because there are little things here and there, it’s not all at once. I find I don’t share the things that I once did. In another month it will be our birthday. For most people it’s a day of celebration for a twinless twin it’s not that anymore. It’s a day where I feel very loved by friends wishing me/or us happy birthday on Facebook but it’s a day where I miss my twin terribly. I remember the first birthday after she died and Mom and I went to the cemetery. I remember standing over the grave thinking how wrong this was. It kind of became our thing to go and put flowers on the grave.
It’s all about how we handle the situations. Life is going to be bumpy and we are going to have to go along for the ride.

Royal wedding

Complication
I like many others was watching the Royal Wedding this morning. I didn’t wake up early to watch I probably caught it half way. I found a video on my facebook feed and watched processional. The “complication” of her father not walking her down the aisle turned into a lovely moment of Meghan joining their family.
This week there has been so much hype about the wedding that I was beginning to think ok is it really worth it to get up to watch the wedding. But there is something magical about a wedding. Not just a royal wedding but anyone getting married. At the end of the day it boils down to 2 people in love getting married. I am glad that Sarah Ferguson was invited and his Uncle (his mother’s brother). We live in a day and age where people get divorced and many people sit down to make out a guest list “do we invite this person or not”. That’s universal. I loved the point when they scanned the crowd when they were signing the register. The dresses and hats or fascinators are something else! I wish we still dressed up for weddings.
The dress was simple but the veil and tiara really made it special. In our culture we have 3 or 4 (and sometimes more) bridesmaids so it’s different seeing little kids walk down the aisle. The expression on the page boys face when the music started for her to walk down the aisle was priceless.
One of the journalists this morning said we shouldn’t call it a fairy tale because a fairy tale isn’t really. A memory came up today of going to the wedding of a family friend. Less than 5 years later they were separated. A wedding is lovely but after the cake is eaten and the photos are posted on facebook or Instagram the day to day living as a couple begins.

Premature…me

Premature

You would never know that those happy girls in this picture were actually born a month premature.
When I was going through the paperwork when we sold the house I found the deed to the house. It was official June 19,1974. I always knew that Mom was very pregnant when they were looking but had no idea that it was 2 days before she went into labour with us. Knowing how much work is involved in moving I can’t even imagine doing all of that plus she was still working. She was training someone to take over for her when she went on maternity leave.
We were supposed to be born the end of July. My mother was gaining weight rapidly and my grandfather asked her are you sure you aren’t having 2? We were born before ultrasound so the Drs didn’t find 2 heartbeats until she was in labour…and even then they weren’t 100% sure. My Mom called me her bonus package because I wasn’t expected. We were born at 12:20 and 12:22 (Janet being born first). Combined almost weighed 8lbs. My Dad stood at the window and asked my grandmother if we were “ok” and she told him we were healthy just small. My Mom said it was weird giving birth and then not going home with your babies.
My Dad moved in on his own with help from his family. I don’t even know who exactly just that Mom joked “I got out of moving”. My grandmother helped get the baby stuff ready as they quickly had to get 2 of everything. My Mom was involved with the twins club for many years and it was a great resource for clothes.
It makes me realize how strong my Mom was. Having 2 babies is twice the work. Not only did they have to deal with the shock of having 2 babies but they had to hit the ground running. It’s feeding one while the other one is running off somewhere. Going to the mall was a challenge!
It’s 5 weeks until our birthday. Since it’s in the middle of the week I think I’ll have a spa day.

Infectious

Infect
Today is Market day. I usually go on Saturday but it’s going to rain so I went today. Although sometimes I go twice in the summer to get fresh produce. It’s still that in between temperature where it’s too cold without a jacket but too warm with. There weren’t a lot of vendors today but encouraging to see more produce available…rhubarb and asparagus. My Dad had a rhubarb patch. We usually had rhubarb crisp because it was easy. I’m enjoying a scone on my balcony this morning, of course with coffee! The trees are all out and I can hear the birds chirping. It would be peaceful except for the sound of a lawn mower in the distance.
Of course I started at my usual place and she says good morning. Go on to another booth “Good morning”. I think that’s why I love the farmers market it’s so friendly. Not just the vendors but the people that go. It’s laid back. Families with kids. This morning I couldn’t decide between a rhubarb scone or a raspberry so I got both.
This week the weather has been so lovely. I’m trying to get my daily walks in. At my writing class on Tuesday we were supposed to share a positive thing that happened in our week. So I wrote about going for a walk through Victoria Park. So she had us tell what our negative was. So I said it’s a little of both because I wish a certain someone was walking with me.

Pedigree

Pedigree
I walked into Carlton Cards after writing class today. I walked to the section that I wanted but couldn’t find anything that was right. I realized what I wanted doesn’t really exist. It also made me think that real life doesn’t fit into a box. I remember when my Dad died after the service I was talking to a friend who asked how I was and I told him “it blows” (yeah I shocked some people that day by being brutally honest). A mutual friend was standing beside me. When my brother got married she drove me to the train station (my Mom went with someone else but that’s another story). Before I got out of the car she handed me a card and told me not to open it until I got on the train. On the front of the card it said “SOMETIMES LIFE IS LIKE THE WIND”…inside it read “IT BLOWS”. She understood the conflicting emotions that I had.

We celebrate special occasions, milestones and yet there are times in life where things happen and there are no words.
The word pedigree makes me think of “status” and yet you don’t need a degree to hug someone in their time of need. But at the same time there are people that measure your success by your education. A woman should be married by the time she’s 30.
My family taught me courage, compassion, strength. That’s a pretty good pedigree.

The Core

Core
I was disappointed that it rained yesterday so I couldn’t go to the Farmer’s Market so I decided to go for a walk this morning. On Friday I was talking to my super about how much construction there is downtown (which would be considered the “core” of the city). Because a couple of streets are one way and one is under construction he has to go out of his way to get to where he needs to go. A friend was downtown on Friday and she said it was quite frustrating. As a pedestrian it isn’t as bad.
Since it’s still chilly in the morning I didn’t know what coat to wear but just pulled one out. Although I live within 2 blocks of Victoria Park I rarely go for a walk there except to go to Festivals in the summer. It was a lovely spring day and not very many people were out and about. I did see a couple of geese sitting on the grass. I wonder if it’s the same geese or we have families in different locations? Thankfully I didn’t have to dodge any goose poop! On the way I noticed that the flower shop across from the crosswalk was open. I don’t think they open that early on Sunday but it must be because it’s Mother’s Day. I decided to go in. I bought 5 red gerbera daises in honour of Mom and Dad having 3 kids. They just fit in the slender vase. I did have a little moment because walking in I know everyone else is buying them for their Mother. I don’t need it wrapped in fancy paper because it’s going straight into a vase. After Janet and I started going to a different church we would still go to our family church with Mom on special occasions. Mom and I would usually go to Tims after church.
When I look at the things that my friends kids write about their Moms at “the core” it’s all the same. It’s the little things. How our Mom’s take care of us. Kindness. When I look back and reread some of my posts it’s about baking cookies with Mom. We always had a full fridge…something I value as the only thing left is condiments! Laughing about some stupid thing. I think about how much she taught me by example. I think I’m going to flesh this out for something to take to writing class. What our Mother’s teach us.

Politics

Skewed
We are less than four weeks until the provincial election in Ontario and I’m not any closer to deciding than I was before the race “officially began”
I have been trying to get informed by reading newspaper articles (online) and watching the news. It’s all so confusing. According to a poll done in our paper where they ask the question of the day Doug Ford is in the lead. But another site I spotted said that Andrea Horwath is gaining momentum.
I was watching a segment on CBC where they had 2 undecided voters on (I assume from GTA but I don’t know for sure). The guy was saying how we are well beyond talking about money for childcare. He said he pays $500 a month for hydro and he had to park his truck because it cost him $140 a week for gas. For some people a car is a necessity. There are some areas that don’t have a bus system. I don’t remember how much our hydro bill was at our house but it was no where near that much money. I pay $42 a month. I could have my A/C running full tilt in the summer and my cost doesn’t change. My cost of living is stable so I have to be honest in saying that I can’t even comprehend that. The woman said how can she make an informed decision about someone when Ford doesn’t even have a platform.
I’ve always been the type of person who votes for the candidate because they are the person that is going to represent me in parliament. But I also know that if I vote for the PC candidate that means a vote for Ford. So I also have to factor in who do I think would make the best premier. There are so many people that say don’t vote NDP look at what they did when Bob Rae was in power. I lived through Rae days. I wasn’t even old enough to vote at the time. I didn’t vote in 1995 because like now I really didn’t like any of my options. But I also know that this election is too important not to vote. I just hope that people vote FOR something rather than AGAINST something.